In anticipation of the upcoming holiday season, Maisonneuve polled friends and family members about the familial, familiar roles they expect to play this year. Here are some of their answers.

The Queen of Christmas

The Good Sport
No matter what game I am asked to play or what song I am asked to sing, I never complain. There is time to get even later.

The Pretender
I enter into all they’re doing and willingly go along. At some level, I know they know this.

The Bartender
Everyone’s glass is full—which permits me to fill my own glass in the doing.

The Organizer
Everything must run on schedule, all the dishes at the proper temperature, the gifts opened in descending order of seniority. Usually accompanied by “cleanup guy” (aka the spouse).

The Prodigal Son
Whenever I come home for the holidays, my mom wants to spoil her “lost son” as much as possible.

The Reminder of the Love Before
Mom sees my father in my face and loses her mind.

The Project
Everyone is eager to see me fifty and relatively finished.

The Outsider
Graduated without babies or a husband, unsettling relatives.

The Moderator
Uses choice therapeutic phrases, such as “What I hear you saying is …” and “What I think she’s trying to express is …”

The Referee

The Sounding Board

The Repairman

The Honoured Guest
I graciously bestow my presence upon the family.

The Mostly Harmless
I have no idea what my role is. I think maybe I’m the guy who makes screaming faces at the bathroom mirror and then comes out all smiley.

The Unforgiven
Family gatherings are dirgelike, morose collections of individuals shovelling down holiday food to the strains of Johnny Mathis. I do my best to avoid them.

My Sister’s Keeper
Thousands of tiny, shared glances throughout the evening become spoken volumes later.

The Ironist
I shine a little factual light on my family’s highly distorted, historically rewritten views. I used to be the family clown. I don’t think the two are that different—just components of the same role.

The Conversationalist
I move from living room to kitchen and back again, trying not to alight on the couch, where I will be sucked into the brain-numbing drone of the TV. I alienate no one and include all guests.

The Infant Saint
Responsible for accidental displays of wonder that seem strangely intentional.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past
No longer attend. People ask, “Whatever happened to X? He/she/they were so much fun.”

The Preserver
Hands down the idiosyncratic traditions (Mid-Winter Monarch, Kitchen Queen), secures the boundaries, mediates the squabbles and provides the plenty.

The Excitable Ones
Experience and share pure unadulterated joy: jump around when cookies and milk are laid out for Santa, have retention issues, cry.